Anita* was still at university when her parents arranged for her to be married to a boy of their choosing. But Anita, then a teenager, had bigger hopes for her future: She wanted to study, get a job, maybe one day have a career.
After the match was arranged, her parents told her to forget about her studies and get to know her future husband, instead. “They would make me talk to him often and during these conversations, I realized this man was not right for me,” she said. She tried to tell her parents, but her concerns were dismissed. At age 19, Anita was married to a man she barely knew.
It turned out to be a very painful marriage. Like many young brides in India in similar situations, she was subjected to physical and emotional violence from the husband and his family.
Despite strict laws, child marriage in India remains rampant, but in many cases, such as Anita’s, families wait until the girl is just over the legal age of 18 to marry them off. While the marriage may not be violating laws, girls are often forced into relationships without their consent or an understanding of their rights. At the same time, domestic violence in India remains a significant issue. According to a recent government survey, 32% of married women face physical, sexual or emotional violence by their husbands. Of the women who experienced sexual violence, 82% said their current husbands were the perpetrators.
The Marriage
Anita’s initial intuitions about her husband proved right; the marriage was doomed from the start, with Anita forced into having sexual relations with her husband who she did not love. She was just 19. If she resisted, she faced violence. Beatings and forced sex became a common occurrence. “I could not even scream for help because he was my husband,” she shared. “Sometimes, I would raise my voice to object, and sometimes I succeeded [in stopping him] but other times I didn’t,” she explained. Eventually she “adapted” to the situation.
Anita stayed in the marriage for nearly 14 years, because she believed that she had no other choice. During that time, she faced physical violence and mental abuse not just from her husband but also his family. Finally it became too much: “One day, I reached out to an NGO which gave me shelter,” she said.
It was at the NGO called Shakti Shalini—which roughly translates to power and grace—that Anita understood the extent of the violence she had experienced.
“Marital rape” is a concept that does not fit comfortably in social or legal vocabulary in India. In fact, the country’s otherwise stringent rape laws include a caveat—an exception that exempts spouses from accountability. Although India’s rape law was amended in 2013 to include a broader swath of violent, penetrative acts, the exemption for married people remained in place.
Now 34, and divorced, Anita agreed to share her story with The Persistent, but she wanted to do it on her terms—as a handwritten letter, detailing her long, painful ordeal. It was delivered to me via a social worker from the Shakti Shalini; and although Anita and I never met in person, it was followed by many conversations over email as well as phone calls and texts.
The letter itself was written in Hindi, but sprinkled with English words including “violence” and “consent”—words Anita had never heard at the start of marriage, but with which she became all too familiar in the years that followed.
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